TIME TO TALK.

THE KILLER IN MY HOUSE: WHY NIGERIAN LADIES GET ABUSED.

It’s heart breaking to know that domestic abuse is still eating deeply into our society. It can happen to any woman or female child and has become part of the Nigerian culture. Most of us expect the Nigerian men to revamp their beliefs on domestic abuse but the reverse is the case  as it has become a totality of marriage in the Nigerian setting-even celebrities and high power holders are victims and offenders. 

  Domestic abuse can be defined as “the actual or threatened physical, emotional, psychological, sexual or financial abuse of a woman by a partner, family member or someone with whom there is, or has been, a close relationship”. This abuse also relates to the perpetrator allowing or causing a child to witness, or be at risk of witnessing, domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse is not a new thing in Nigeria or Africa, as even among social experiments  like the big brother show, domestic violence is show cased . So what stops it from happening in reality? The Nigerian media has carried out justice by exposing high profile domestic violence . In some cases a man  is suspected of murdering his wife. In the worst cases, the family of the wife meets a mutual understanding of keeping the  murder case from the law in other to save the family’s name! How can a person turn from loving and living with a person to beating them up or murdering them? What kind of person results to domestic violence  against their spouse? What kind of person thinks it is “ok” to continually humiliate or talk down to their intimate partner? What kind of person has sex with their partner without the persons consent and desire to participate? 

Here are the thoughts of an abused lady:

‘He hates me talking to other men ,
I don’t know why,  
really for he know’s
I love him
he hates me being around men
that’s why he hits me
he is not that bad
he provides for me and my children
you want me to leave him ,leave him to go where
who would take care of my children
I really don’t see anything wrong in him beating me,
my father did it to my mother
as if it was also done to her mother before her,
they do it because we aren’t beautiful enough
because we can’t stand on our own without them.
He is a good husband
Providing me with all I want and need
He tells me that  I am not beautiful
every hour and minute he gets angry at me
he tells me that there were a million  other girls but I roped him in
That I teased him with my body
That I made him think of no other
he hates way I walk
my breasts aren’t big enough
he tells me these so much that I believe
them

  This is just the tip of the ice berg as the woman in question pleaded anonymity. A common pattern of domestic abuse is that the perpetrator alternates between violence, abusive behaviour and apologetic behaviour with apparently heartfelt promises to change. Most Nigerian men are real actors. The key elements of domestic abuse are intimidation, humiliation and physical injury.

Here are the different types of abuse:

Physical –This is the use of force to control a woman. This comes in different forms and in worst cases, it can lead to murder. It also includes pushing ,slapping ,kicking ,and all other things that could cause damage to the victim’s body .

Verbal or non verbal –This is a modern version of domestic violence in Nigeria. Most husbands use subtle actions or behaviour rather than physical abuse to intimidate the partner; it is psychological and emotional. Research has shown that verbal abuse can be more damaging than emotional abuse. Examples of this type of abuse is threatening the partner ,yelling , name calling ,public embarrassment and harrasment.

Sexual abuse– Most men in Nigeria turn their wives to sexual slaves and have sex with them with or without their consent. This is not seen as rape in Nigeria because the culture sees the man as the owner of  the woman. Since he has paid  her bride price, he believes he can do anything to her.

Causes
There are various causes of domestic abuse but the most common cause can be found within the family structure. As the saying goes, a man who treats his wife like a princess was raised by a queen. This cycle of domestic violence is difficult to break because most parents have presented violence as the norm.

Drug and alcohol abuse –This is also a major cause of domestic violence, substance abuse leads to out of control behaviour, which usually leads to violence.

The environment – The Nigerian society is a typical one. Most norms, cultures and societies don’t see this as a big deal; a young boy may see his father come home from work drunk and angry,screaming at his mother ; the young boy is being taught violence . He is developing his owns ideas about what makes a man.

Other causes are;

Stress, provocation by intimate partner, economic hardship, such as prolonged unemployment, depression, jealousy and anger.
The concept of abuse whether emotional or physical is that which we Nigerians have failed to discuss openly; we submit to our husbands because we are told to do so. We are the wives and we don’t have a say in the relationship, we should only follow.

 
If he hits you in anger or just for the fun of it.....get out of that relationship .It usually starts with a slap or a punch then the bastards come begging and like fools we always accept because we believe God will touch his heart, keep that notion aside , RUN FROM HIM. I beg of you leave.....Do not wait till someone writes a story about your death.

Mariam Animashaun.